The best Christmas present I received a few weeks ago was a book called ‘The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book”.  If you’ve ever seen him live you’ll know what I mean when I say that you hate yourself for laughing at his jokes.  But, this clip on YouTube has a 98% approval rating, so he’s clearly doing something right.

Here is a selection of jokes from the above book.  I don’t expect to be invited to a dinner party any time soon.

1. Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

2. I didn’t have a happy upbringing.  I remember my 3rd birthday party.  I was 15.

3. I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point of keeping them?

4. Exit signs.  They’re on the way out.

5. I’m colour blind but it doesn’t stop me enjoying life.  The other night I saw ‘Joseph and his Amazing Brown Coat’.  It was great.

6. So, I got a job at Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in.  He said, give me 2 Whoppers.  I said, you’re good looking and your musicals are great.

7. I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil – Crematoriums.

8. I’ve always been very lazy.  I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

9. I said to the guy in the furniture shop, I can’t decide whether to buy this bed or not.  He said, do you want to sleep on it?  I said of course I do.

10. The other day someone burnt the bottom of my shoes.  It was sole destroying.

11. I’m on a seabed diet.  If I see a bed I eat it.

12. I went to the Natural History Museum.  I said, have you got the bones of Diplodocus?  He said No, I’m just wearing new shoes.

13. I fell in love with a clumsy cleaner.  She swept me off my feet.

14. Apparently, 1 in 13 Americans have worked for McDonalds.  The other 12 got rejected.

15. Church singers.  They’re an a-choired taste.

16. I’ll tell you what often gets overlooked.  Garden fences.

17. I went to a Tarot card reader and said it’s my birthday, can you tell me what the cards say?  She said sure – ‘To Tim, Happy Birthday, Love from Granny.’

18. I’ve been living with a woman for some time.  She’s quite a bit older than me and we don’t get on.  It’s my mum.

19. I went to the doctor and he said you’ve got hypochondria.  I said not that as well.

20. I said to the doctor, I feel like the whole world is ganging up on me.  He said, hold on a minute ….. Hey lads, he’s in here.

There’s plenty more where this came from!!

Conor Foley