The best Christmas present I received a few weeks ago was a book called ‘The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book”. \u00a0If you’ve ever seen him live you’ll know what I mean when I say that you hate yourself for laughing at his jokes. \u00a0But, this clip<\/a> on YouTube has a 98% approval rating, so he’s clearly doing something right.<\/p>\n

Here is a selection of jokes from the above book. \u00a0I don’t expect to be invited to a dinner party any time soon.<\/p>\n

1. Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.<\/p>\n

2. I didn’t have a happy upbringing. \u00a0I remember my 3rd birthday party. \u00a0I was 15.<\/p>\n

3. I used to file my nails but then I thought, what’s the point of keeping them?<\/p>\n

4. Exit signs. \u00a0They’re on the way out.<\/p>\n

5. I’m colour blind but it doesn’t stop me enjoying life. \u00a0The other night I saw ‘Joseph and his Amazing Brown Coat’. \u00a0It was great.<\/p>\n

6. So, I got a job at Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in. \u00a0He said, give me 2 Whoppers. \u00a0I said, you’re good looking and your musicals are great.<\/p>\n

7. I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil – Crematoriums.<\/p>\n

8. I’ve always been very lazy. \u00a0I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.<\/p>\n

9. I said to the guy in the furniture shop, I can’t decide whether to buy this bed or not. \u00a0He said, do you want to sleep on it? \u00a0I said of course I do.<\/p>\n

10. The other day someone burnt the bottom of my shoes. \u00a0It was sole destroying.<\/p>\n

11. I’m on a seabed diet. \u00a0If I see a bed I eat it.<\/p>\n

12. I went to the Natural History Museum. \u00a0I said, have you got the bones of Diplodocus? \u00a0He said No, I’m just wearing new shoes.<\/p>\n

13. I fell in love with a clumsy cleaner. \u00a0She swept me off my feet.<\/p>\n

14. Apparently, 1 in 13 Americans have worked for McDonalds. \u00a0The other 12 got rejected.<\/p>\n

15. Church singers. \u00a0They’re an a-choired taste.<\/p>\n

16. I’ll tell you what often gets overlooked. \u00a0Garden fences.<\/p>\n

17. I went to a Tarot card reader and said it’s my birthday, can you tell me what the cards say? \u00a0She said sure – ‘To Tim, Happy Birthday, Love from Granny.’<\/p>\n

18. I’ve been living with a woman for some time. \u00a0She’s quite a bit older than me and we don’t get on. \u00a0It’s my mum.<\/p>\n

19. I went to the doctor and he said you’ve got hypochondria. \u00a0I said not that as well.<\/p>\n

20. I said to the doctor, I feel like the whole world is ganging up on me. \u00a0He said, hold on a minute ….. Hey lads, he’s in here.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There’s plenty more where this came from!!<\/p>\n

Conor Foley<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The best Christmas present I received a few weeks ago was a book called ‘The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book”. \u00a0If you’ve ever seen him live you’ll know what I mean when I say that you hate yourself for laughing at his jokes. \u00a0But, this clip on YouTube has a 98% approval rating, so […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[58],"tags":[59,60],"yoast_head":"\n